Just Once Read online

  Colin’s Story

  By

  Rebecca Brooke

  DEDICATION

  To anyone who has ever thought that they can’t do better. You can. Don’t be afraid to go after your dreams.

  She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails.

  ~ Elizabeth Edwards

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Other Books

  About the Author

  Prologue

  There are moments in our lives that pass in the blink of an eye. A flash in a sea of memories. But they often get pushed to the back of our mind, only remembered when we’re reminded by someone else.

  Then there are other times when a single moment seems to last a lifetime. Those moments shape who we become, and who we were forever meant to be.

  Chapter 1

  Colin

  “What do you think he wants?”

  “I have no idea.” Nate shook his head. “Let’s just get over there and find out.”

  “Always in a rush.” I gave him a light punch in the arm. “You’ve been rushing everything this whole deployment.”

  “Can you blame me? I only got to spend a couple of weeks with my wife before we had to deploy. I want to get home for some quality time with Danielle.”

  Nate and I had been friends since we met in boot camp years before. I even stood as his best man at his wedding. Unfortunately, our deployment had been moved up and we had to head out before their wedding date. Danielle was understandably upset, but they decided to elope and from what Nate told me, their families had been happy for them, even if they hadn’t been there. Knowing Danielle, she was planning a full wedding for when we got back. Danielle was still determined to do it all again; this time with her family there.

  “I can’t blame you for that one,” I agreed. “Have you talked to her lately?”

  “For about a half an hour the other night.” He sighed. I knew he hated being away from Danielle, and her being at home without him weighed heavily on his mind. “One more month.”

  I grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. “It’ll be over before you know it.”

  We reached the lieutenant’s tent. “What’s up, Lt.?” Nate asked, pushing through the tent flap.

  Lt. Weaver sat behind a makeshift desk, papers scattered all over the top. This wasn’t the first deployment we’d been on with Weaver in charge of our platoon. He was efficient, fair and smart.

  “Lewis, Dunham,” he started before we were even fully inside the tent. “I need you to take a squadron over to the east hills. There have been some disturbances in the area and we need to get it settled before the new set of deployments land. I don’t want to leave this bullshit for someone else. It’ll only get worse.”

  “Yes, sir,” we said in unison.

  “Do you want us to take Marano?” I asked.

  Tanner Marano, our squadron medic had just gotten back from a three-day mission to help people in one of the neighboring villages. There’d been an outbreak of virus, killing the villagers left, right, and center.

  “No, Marano’s only been back for a few hours. He worked the last thirty-six hours straight. He needs some sleep before he goes out again. Grab Craver.”

  “Got it, Lt. We’ll be back by the morning,” Nate said.

  “Good. Go.”

  Nate and I left the tent and went to collect the troops we needed. Pulling on my gear, someone spoke from behind me.

  “Why didn’t you come get me?”

  I turned and saw Tanner standing at the opening of our bunk, arms crossed over his chest.

  “Lt. told us to get Craver.”

  “What the fuck?” Tanner yelled. “You’re going to take the newest ranger medic with you? I’m part of your team.”

  Nate came through the flap of our bunk. “Yeah, and you’ve been awake for the last thirty-six hours. You need to rest.”

  “That’s fucking ridiculous,” Tanner argued.

  “No, it’s not,” I said. “I understand you’re part of our team, but you’re exhausted. It’s a simple run to investigate. We’ll be back by morning. If we need to go back, you’ll be ready.”

  “I don’t like it,” Tanner said.

  Nate shook his head. “Well, unless you can get the Lt. to change his mind . . .”

  Tanner scoffed. “I already tried.”

  Time had come for us to leave. “Stay here, Tanner. We’ll see you in the morning.” Nate clasped him on the shoulder and then left the tent.

  Tanner dropped down onto his bunk, the dark circles under his eyes and the slump of his shoulders more pronounced now that he’d given up his argument. “I don’t like it, but I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”

  “Sleep. We’ll be back before you know it.”

  I turned and walked out of the bunk house and climbed into the waiting Humvee. The ride out to the east hills was about thirty minutes through the desert. The area seemed relatively quiet, the people of the village asleep in their homes.

  “Why the hell did Lt. send us out here?” one of the soldiers whispered.

  “Knock it the fuck off, Mixon,” Nate ordered. “We’re following orders.”

  Leaning over, I said to Nate, “I hate to say I agree with—”

  I didn’t finish my sentence. Gunfire surrounded us. My ears rang from the noise, my vision blurred. It was hard to focus.

  One solider went down. Everyone dove for cover, pausing only briefly before returning fire. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Craver crawling over to the fallen solider. I had no idea who it was and I couldn’t worry about it—we could all go down if we didn’t neutralize the threat. We fired into the building where the shots were coming from. We were shooting blind. Night vision didn’t help when they were hidden behind walls. I heard it before I saw it and knew we were in deep shit.

  Fuck.

  “Shit!”

  The rocket came in too fast. One second the Humvee was sitting there, the next it was blown to pieces. Cries surrounded me but I kept my focus, even though the scent of carnage and death lingered in the air.

  Assembling a small team of men, I led us around the back and eventually breached the building, successfully taking out all of the men inside. When we got the all clear I ran back out, ordering the men to clear the rest of the village. My focus turned to getting a vehicle to get us the hell out of there and back to base when I saw movement through the dust. Craver was hunched over a body on the ground, frantically working to save the man’s life.

  Fuck. We’d lost someone. My chest tightened. I’d only had it happen once before. It was crushing to know that one of the men under you died on your watch. I ran forward to help but someone jumped in front of me and held me back.

  “What the hell, Mixon?” I said, trying to break free. “I need to see if I can help Craver, get the fuck off me.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t want to go over there.”

  I glanced around at the other men standing there, all with
looks of pity in their eyes. My stomach dropped.

  It couldn’t be.

  He was smart.

  A fighter.

  It couldn’t be Nate.

  No.

  No!

  Breaking out of Mixon’s hold I ran the rest of the way, stumbling as my legs gave out beneath me. I saw the blood covering the ground, the thick liquid clinging to the dirt, pooling around the body. Every step I took after that, I begged every possible deity that it wasn’t Nate. Losing anyone would be devastating, but Nate was my best friend.

  My knees hit the ground next to Craver and my ears began ringing, a metallic taste flooding my mouth.

  Nate’s dark green eyes stared up at me, lifeless.

  It had been Nate who’d gone down in front of me. Nate I pushed out of my mind to focus on my job.

  “No,” I screamed, bolting upright in bed.

  A pounding that sounded around the room. “Colin, wake up,” Greg yelled through the locked door.

  Pulling in deep gulping breaths, I tried to calm my racing heart. My hands were shaking, my skin coated in sweat, my stomach feeling like everything I’d eaten the day before was going to come up.

  The pounding on the door continued. “Colin, open this fucking door.”

  Forcing myself into action I threw my legs over the side of the bed, standing up carefully, disoriented from the dream.

  Dream my ass, that shit was most definitely a nightmare.

  I grabbed the door handle and wrenched it open. Anything to get Greg to stop beating down the door.

  “What?” I forced the tremble from my voice. For fuck’s sakes I was a sergeant in the Army Rangers, not some pussy rookie.

  “Don’t what me and stop being an ass. I could hear you from my room.”

  I shook my head, trying to play the whole thing off. “Hear what?”

  He flipped on the light and although I had to wait for my eyes to adjust, there was no doubt in my mind he was rolling his eyes at me. “The nightmare you have every time we deploy.”

  Tired of having the same argument, I flopped down onto the edge of the bed and dropped my arms to my legs. “Fine.”

  He took a seat next me. After Greg’s roommate, Tanner, got married, we decided to share a place on base. We both had the rank and no one to live with. It felt weird to not be living with Nate, even though he’d moved off base a few months before he died. It was why I understood how Danielle, his wife, felt about staying in their place afterward.

  “Are you ready to tell someone besides me what it’s about?”

  “No. I don’t want them telling me I can’t be in the field. The Army is all I know, I’m not sure what I would do without it.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, they’d never kick anyone out for PTSD. They wouldn’t be allowed to.”

  “Maybe not, but I don’t want Danielle getting wind of it. She’s finally in a good place. Knowing would kill her.”

  “She is, but if you think Tanner would let anything upset her, you’re wrong.”

  “Yeah, but she doesn’t need to know. You really think she’d be okay knowing I dream about Nate’s death every time we get the order to deploy? That I wake up and for the briefest of moments I feel like my heart is going to crawl out of my chest. That I close my eyes and all I can see is his eyes. His fucking eyes . . .” I ran a hand through my hair, tugging on it, waiting for the pins and needles in my face to pass. It didn’t happen often, but it happened. I hated feeling like this; feeling weak. I could only be this way with Greg, and that was only because I knew he wouldn’t breathe a word to anyone. “Shit, she doesn’t even know I was there that night. I never wanted her to ask too much about what happened. Burying her husband of a few months was enough—she didn’t need all of the gory details.”

  “You’re right, but look at her now. Married, with a baby.”

  “I never thought she’d get there.”

  We sat in silence for a moment before the bed lurched and Greg stood. “Look, talk to someone, even if it’s the Chaplin. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. They might know a way to help.”

  I couldn’t make eye contact with him. I wouldn’t do it. I could handle this on my own. This was just a blip. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Don’t think about it, do it, or it’s going to pop up at the worst moment and you get hurt. Or worse—killed.”

  Greg walked out, closing the door behind him. Thoughts swirled through my head. Eventually the nightmares had to stop. They couldn’t go on forever. I just had to ride the wave.

  I did my best to go back to sleep but my brain was in overdrive. There had to be a way to push the nightmares out of my head. I’d been on three deployments since Nate’s death, each without incident. So why couldn’t my mind let it go? It was almost as if my subconscious was trying to tell me something.

  Something I was too afraid to hear.

  Chapter 2

  Colin

  After a few more hours of lying in the dark, I gave up on sleep and went to the gym. Whenever the memories surfaced, if I couldn’t chase them away with sleep¸ I pushed them out of my mind with exhaustion.

  “Hey, man. What’s up?”

  I was surprised to see the man coming toward me. Tanner laughed on his way over to where I’d just walked out of the locker room. “Hey.”

  We clasped hands and he gave me a clap on the shoulder. “What in the hell are you doing here at two in the morning?”

  “I could say the same to you.”

  “Yeah, well I got up with Nate a little bit ago but couldn’t go back to sleep after he finished his bottle. Dani was still asleep so I figured I would come get a workout in. Now that we’re back to living on base it’s a hell of a lot easier. What about you?”

  “Couldn’t sleep either. I was hoping I could wear myself out.”

  “Well, don’t we make a pair?”

  “How’s Danielle like living on base?”

  We walked through rows of equipment to the weights, silently taking cues from each other. We could finish our conversation and spot one another in that section of the gym.

  “I think she was nervous about it at first, but with the promotion and the houses available for the rank, we couldn’t really turn it down.”

  “She didn’t mind selling the house?” Tanner had bought a small, fixer upper for Danielle last Christmas.

  “She was upset at first. At least until she saw the size of the house we were offered.”

  I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. “That would be hard to say no to.”

  “We decided not to sell. With the baby, our parents are going to visit more often and they’ll need a place to stay.”

  “Good idea. You could always rent it.”

  We could. But I’m happy to be back on base. I feel better leaving her with the baby when we deploy knowing she’ll have a support system full of help. I know her parents, Liam, and Marissa are around to help, but on base everything is closer. Even the doctors.”

  I wanted to groan hearing her name. Marissa was Dani’s best friend and we’d had an on again/off again thing going for a while. It worked for us, until we realized that we wanted more.

  And not with each other.

  We parted as friends, but that didn’t stop Dani from trying to get us back together every chance she got. I swallowed down my reaction.

  “You’re biased.”

  Tanner selected his weights from the rack, while I grabbed a kettlebell to work out with. “Damn right, I am. I work with them every day we’re home. I’d trust them with my life.”

  “Sounds like Nate is in good hands if he ever needs them.”

  “Hopefully, he never will.”

  Silence descended over us as we focused on the workout. Tanner walked over and returned the weights. Picking up hand weights, he stood next to me.

  “I was going to text you later, but since you’re here—my parents are in town for the next two weeks to see the baby and Dani wants us to all go out one night, like we used to.
She figures since we’re deploying soon it’ll give us all a chance to hang out.”

  “Please tell me she’s not doing this to get Marissa and I back together?” I shook my head. “I’m not sure if I can tell her no again. The last time, I yelled at her and you wanted to kick my ass.”

  His eyes narrowed on me and my gaze dropped to the floor. He’d been right to be angry. Danielle wasn’t trying to annoy me. I just wished she’d listen. “Promise that’s not the case. Me, Liam—shit, even Greg told her that you two weren’t interested in each other like that.”

  “Not that she’s listened.”

  “I think she was hopeful. But that was all before Marissa came over the other night for dinner with a guy.”

  “Marissa’s dating?” I asked, hoping my voice sounded casual.

  “Met him at some happy hour for her work a few weeks ago.”

  It shouldn’t have bothered me, but on a small level it did. Although, I didn’t want her that way, it was frustrating to think that maybe she found the person she was looking for, while I felt like I’d been looking everywhere and hadn’t found anyone to pique my interest. “That’s good.” I buried those feelings. When the time was right, the perfect woman would be there waiting for me. “Okay, I’ll go. When?”

  “Not sure, let me talk to Dani. Knowing her, I’m sure she’s got everything planned out already.”

  “Okay, shoot me a text. I’m going to hit the treadmill and see if that does the trick.”

  He nodded. “Good luck with that. Let me know how it works out for you.”

  My run on the treadmill was punishing. After an hour or so my legs burned with the buildup of lactic acid. I was completely exhausted, my mind clear of the dreams and fear. Dragging myself back to the apartment I crawled into bed, letting sleep take me, if only for a few hours.

  What felt like twenty minutes later the alarm sounded, pulling me from a dreamless sleep. In a zombie-like state, I forced myself out of bed to get dressed for PT. Our next deployment looming, I had trainings to plan for the men in my unit. We had less than forty-five days. Trainings were common place for us. As Rangers with a continuous deployment schedule we stayed in training rotation, the difficulty level increasing the closer deployment came.